


Paperback Writer

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drabble, Ficlet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-01
Updated: 2006-01-01
Packaged: 2018-10-27 17:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10813551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Dudley Dursley's writing is really, really, really...good.





	Paperback Writer

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: Originally for my [Come Together](http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=ficbymarks&keyword=Come+Together&filter=all) series of fics.  


* * *

Dudley Dursley's agent had assured him that this novel would be a great success. After spending a moderate amount of time and success getting pummelled around minor league boxing tournaments, he believed elements of his life story would make a fantastic book. He couldn't imagine anyone who wouldn't want to hear of his - or rather, "Studley"'s - rise from relative obscurity from boarding school right on through the heavyweight professionals. It was an inspiring tale, really. And he doubted that the numerous head injuries he'd sustained over the past eight years would be a deterrent to his writing ability. 

In fact, his agent had set up an appointment for Dudley and his manuscript at Satyr Press, one of the up and coming publishing firms in the United Kingdom. The publishing house had plucked a number of perfectly obscure authors and rocketed them to stardom, ever since it opened its doors in 1999. As to be expected of a man of his stature, Dudley was to meet with the Editor-in-Chief in five minutes. He hoped they wouldn't keep him waiting, as he already postponed lunch by an hour for this meeting. Dudley tended to get irritable if he didn't eat. How else was he expected to maintain his boxer-perfect physique? 

Luckily, the editor was exactly on time and offered Dudley tea and cake when he sat down, both of which he graciously accepted. As soon as her assistant had fetched him his refreshments, the woman sat at her round, highly polished desk and briskly said, "Mr. Dursley, let's cut to the chase. We're quite interested in your manuscript. I believe it has the potential to be quite a hit!" 

Around a mouthful of cake, Dudley managed, "It is quite good, isn't it?" 

"Oh yes!" She nodded enthusiastically. "But, there are some...changes that I think we'll need to make before we can move forward." 

"All right," said Dudley uncertainly. "What part? Would you like more blood and gore on the path to my - erm, Studley's - rise to fame?" 

She cleared her throat and said, "Oh, no. There's plenty of blood and gore. What Satyr's more interested in is your home life." 

"Oh, my mum will be thrilled with that. She thought the mother character was a simply lovely woman. I think that could be arranged." 

The editor started to look a bit uncomfortable. "Well, yes. She is a lovely character. Quite...clean. Who we're really interested in is...let me see what it says here..." She flipped forward a few pages. "Ah yes. 'The freak cousin that lived in what was meant to be Studley's spare room, mucking up all his toys.'" 

"Har...Barry?" 

"Yes. Barry." The editor coughed. "You say he believes he's a wizard. What an interesting premise!" 

"No! No, that's not interesting. He's a crackpot who thinks he went to a school for magic and wizards and a bunch of other rubbish. The guy's never been right in the head!" Dudley's face turned an interesting shade of violet. 

"A school for magic!" The publisher looked absolutely delighted. "Could you write about _that_? I believe that could completely make our young adult division! You'd be rich!" 

Dudley stood up, angry. Cake crumbs fell to the floor. "Now listen here! I'm not writing about a freak! This is a novel about boxing and that's what it's going to stay!" 

The editor clucked her tongue sadly and said, "I'm sorry, then, Mr. Dursley. We're not interested in sports-related topics at this time. Would you mind if we used this Barry character? I'll have our people draw up the paperwork - you'll still get a creator's fee for this, of course, but I believe the majority of the profits will go to the author and publisher." 

Dudley slammed down the cup and saucer with a clang. "Keep the freak character! I don't want him! I'll take my book to another publisher, then. I'll be big! You'll rue the day you crossed Dudley Dursley!" Still purple-faced, Dudley practically ran from the room, slamming the door behind him. 

The paintings in Hermione Granger's office shook with the force of the exit. "Oh dear," she sighed. "It'll take me all day to get those back the way I like them." Then she grinned. "I can't believe this never occurred to me before! A series of books on the Boy Who Lived." She hit a button on her intercom. "Julie, can you get me the number of that agent who was raving about his new ingenue? I think I may have a project for her." 

When Julie agreed, Hermione went about straightening her paintings and knickknacks. She then set up an appointment with two wizards who wanted to discuss the possibility of a moving picture book about a kid who visits the Giant Squid for a day. She thought it'd be a hit with the under-five set. And her instincts were rarely wrong. Her knowledge of both the Muggle and Wizarding world, along with her persistence and general aptitude for hard work had made Satyr a sensation in both worlds. 

Once her cleaning was done, she chuckled and picked up the phone. "Oh, Harry's going to get such a _kick_ out of this one." 


End file.
